Talking Pork Memo
- opinion editorial

If only Barack had said something more along the lines of "It's like putting eye shadow on an iguana. It's still an iguana, and personally I think they are unappealing in general," the country today might be better off. But he didn't and here we are.

 In a time of war and massive economic distress, it certainly was distressing last week to see the "Big Story" become all about the proper time and place to use a simile. Somehow when Barack used that pithy and familiar phrase, "It's like putting lipstick on a pig," it caused a firestorm of ginned up controversy that edged out such subjects as putting more troops in Afghanistan, putting the financial services sector in order, and putting Americans back to work, as the focus of attention in the main stream media. As if the collective consciousness of Americans had been somehow carjacked, it was also the hot topic in the blogosphere and around water coolers across America.

If, in speaking of the economic policies that were being offered up by the opposition, Barack Obama had only said something along the lines of "Their proposals are simply more of the same old failed policies that have repeatedly failed and have resulted in job losses, inflation, stagnant income growth, and the massive transfer of wealth from the middle class to the ruling elite," we would all be bored and complaining about what a brainiac policy wonk Obama was. But that's OK. Democrats are used to being bored by their candidates, but at least we could have stayed on topic.

But sadly, to the long list of personal choices that the "small government" Republicans have ruled to be forbidden, we can now add using any simile, trope or metaphor that might somehow in some tortured way be construed to be a veiled reference, however unlikely, to Sarah Palin.

So let me offer this guide to future speakers who may be tempted to talk in the beloved and colorful patois of small town America. Simply follow this substitution guide and maybe, just maybe, we can talk about issues that actually matter.

Original: Buy a pig in a poke.
Meaning – accepting something in a transaction without close examination or scrutiny.
Acceptable substitution: Buy a simple salamander in a sack. Example: "With the nomination of a total unknown like Sarah Palin, Americans are being asked to buy a simple salamander in a sack for one of the most critical posts in the world."

Original: Casting pearls before swine.
Meaning – to put forth wisdom and valuable guidance to those who are incapable of recognizing the value.
Acceptable substitute: Throwing motherboards before moles. Example: "In repeating to the mainstream media the same old right wing solutions for America's troubles, Sarah Palin felt she was casting motherboards before moles."

Original: Making a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Meaning – a concerted effort to make something of very little value or appeal appear to be an attractive commodity.
Acceptable substitute:Make a Vice President out of Sarah Palin. Example: Please supply your own. There are simply too many for me to choose from.

Comment or discuss.

 About the author

Barry Nolan has had the chance to cover some of the important stories, the most outstanding personalities and the biggest liars in our time. As a former co-anchor of Hard Copy and later Senior Correspondent for EXTRA!, he has had the chance to cover 9-11, Waco, Oklahoma City and the Republican Convention. He has had the chance to go one on one with some of America's most gifted story tellers such as O.J. Simpson, James Earl Ray, and that John O'Neil guy from the Swiftboat crowd. He has actually covered stories in Alaska where he thought he got a glimpse of Russia, which officially qualifies him to become Vice President, which he plans to do when he finishes writing his book "Truth Takes a Holiday: Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson, Bill O'Reilly and Me," a book he has time to write after being fired by Comcast for calling Bill O'Reilly a "mental case."

Photo Credits: pig (c)2008 Eric Isselee; purse (c) 2008 Susan Trigg, illustration cho.